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John Carpenter's
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THE THING retold as Dr. Seuss' THE
GRINCH
By Anonymous
Antarctica liked the snow a lot
But the men at Outpost #31 did NOT
The Thing loved the winter, it loved it a lot
But the one thing the Thing didn’t like was being hot
Now don’t ask why, no one quite knows the reason
Maybe he grew up in a hot climate season
But whatever the reason, the climate or not
The Thing, oh The Thing did not like to be hot
But I think that the reason may be this
The Thing would die if it were burnt to a crisp
Anyway, he slept, underneath all the ice
Sleeping down there, for he thought it was nice
But then, the Norwegians came and woke him up quick
And with a temper he came and felt the ice was slick
The killed most of the Norwegians and imitated a dog
And then it ran off through the cold weather's fog
But then, the two men left, went after it in a chase
And the dog ran to an outpost, he really did race
He acted all kindly, to the unsuspecting men
And the Norwegians came and opened fire on them
One grabbed a grenade, but dropped it in the snow
And when it went off, the helicopter did blow
The other accidentally shot a man, while the chopper burned
And got a bullet in his head, in return
The men took the bodies inside to see
The conditions of the two men, not three
Then one man named Copper suggested that they fly
To find out the who's, the what's and the why
So Mac and Copper, off they flew
To the base, that they just now knew
And while they were there they found something and didn’t know what it could be
And they brought it back to the base for all the men to see
When the biologist Blair, took a look at it to see
What this odd-shaped hunk of mass is to be
He found out something that filled him with fear
This thing wasn’t human, and long ago it came here
Childs said this was stupid, that it couldn’t be true
But Palmer contradicted and said it was nothing new
Then later that night, Clark put the dog with the others
But for some strange reason, all the other dogs were bothered
Then, if I were there, I would have let out a shout
Because just then the dogs skull fell out
It grew tentacles, legs, and other stuff too
And out of its mouth, juices it did spew
When Mac saw this though, he hit the alarm
And all the men wondered what could be the harm
But they soon saw this odd shaped beast
They tried a shotgun on it, but it didn’t help in the least
So they burned it, oh they burned it, until it was fried
And when the flames were out, they hoped it had died
Then Blair did another test on this thing
And figured out that some of the cells were still living
Then later that night, in the storage room
They put the weird thing in there, and up was the moon
And when Windows left Bennings alone in there
Something happened that would've stood up my hair
A tendril popped out and grabbed Bennings by the neck
Then Windows came back, then ran like heck
He warned Mac, he warned Fuchs' but when they got there
They found that the room was nothing but bare
But Mac saw Bennings outside of the base
And when everyone saw him, they had a stunned look on their face
Bennings hands were huge, they were anything but thin
So Mac, unceremoniously torched him
Then later, Blair ran a test
And saw that the Thing was best
It would destroy the world if it ever got out
So he grabbed an axe, a gun, and he let out a shout
He started destroying the radio room
Sealing the alien's inhuman tomb
But he was stopped for no one understood
The reason for the man's destruction of all that was good
They locked him up in the tool shed
And left him out there, they thought he wasn’t right in the head
Then when they had figured out how to tell if they were humans or a dud
They found that someone had got to the blood
Windows tried to run, but he was caught by the pack
Here is where leadership was given to Mac
So they gave Fuchs Blair's journals and all of the rest
And told him to come up with another test
Mac made a recording, documenting what was going on
"No one trusts anybody" he said, "The storm would be long"
Then the lights all went out, and Fuchs couldn’t be found
They were going to figure out what happened to him now
They found his remains outside by the back
And then, Mac and Nauls went up to Mac's Shack
Nauls returned without Mac, he let him go
He had cut the toe-line, leaving Mac in the snow
He said he found torn up clothes in the shack
And that the name on them had read "Mac"
But Mac got in anyway, through a small window
When the men heard this, they knew they had to go
Childs busted open the door but they all backed away
Mac was holding a bundle of dynamite, they say
But Nauls and Norris tried to rush the tempted man
But sadly to them, it failed did there plan
But then Norris had a problem, and he pretty much died
None of the men knew it was just one big lie
They got him to the med bay, to try to save the lummox
But the man bit off the doc's arms with nothing but his stomach
They tried to torch him, but then off rolled his head
For you see, this thing was really not dead
It grew spider legs, and to eyes for the seeing
Palmer turned and saw it and said, "You got to be fucking kidding!"
Mac torched the small head, he burned all the rest
Then, he got the idea for a test
He tried to calm everyone, for his little test
But Childs, the mechanic, did protest
Mac held the gun to Childs head
But then Clark rushed him, so Mac shot him instead
Everyone was tied down, their blood was now taken
Windows, the radio man, was the most shaken
He tested negative, and so did some others
Childs accused Mac of killing a human brother
Then it was time for Palmer, and down went the wire
Then, heard by all was a "SCREEEEECH" louder than any choir
Because Palmer's blood had let out a cry
It meant it was Palmer's turn to fry
But Mac's flamer didn’t work, and Windows was too surprised
And for hesitating, he paid the price
Palmer bit down on his head, and killed him nice and quick
And threw his body away, as if it were nothing but a stick
So Mac did fry Palmer, but he tried to run and hide
So Mac got some dynamite and blew him sky-high
All of the others were human indeed
So all the other men were untied and freed
So Mac, Nauls and Gary headed outside
To test out Blair, who might've even died
But when they arrived to Blair's small shack
They found it was empty, but Nauls stepped on a crack
They saw where it lead, and Gary thought "Holy shit!"
Because they had found out Blair had built a space ship
So they looked at each other, and thought up a plan well
They all got out, then blew the spaceship to hell
They planned to blow up the base and ignite
So they went to the lower levels to set the dynamite
But Gary was taken, and Nauls was gone too
Leaving MacReady alone with the job to do
The explosives where set, but Mac knew something was afoot
Then, all these base boards were torn from their roots
Mac dove, and the igniter was crushed into bits
For what Mac saw next, was as scary as shit
From out of no where, stood right there
The monster, the Thing, who was formally Blair
It chased Mac around until he was almost through
But then Mac grabbed some dynamite, lit it and yelled, "Yeah? Fuck you too!"
The explosion was large, destroyed all that was there
But Mac knew that he had killed Blair
He sat down with his J&B
But then heard someone walking, who could it be?
Mac now thought all the things were dead
But he was wrong instead
One had gotten away, it had stayed still
And when no one was looking it crawled up a hill
And just when the Thing had killed most the men
He put up his ear to hear the crying of them
But what he heard was different, he thought "NO! It couldn't be!"
"One man is laughing! And the other drinking J&B!"
And though he had it planned out, and executed his evil ploy
He still couldn't take the men's pride and their joy
"It came without Bennings! It came without Copper!"
"It came without Fuchs! Windows! And the chopper!"
And then, all the men at OP31 say
The Thing's mind grew 10 times that day
The men thought he had beat him, they thought he was beat
But the only thing on Mr. Thing's mind was...
"ASSIMILATION COMPLETE!!!"
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