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John Carpenter's


THE THING retold as Dr. Seuss' THE GRINCH
By Anonymous


Antarctica liked the snow a lot

But the men at Outpost #31 did NOT

The Thing loved the winter, it loved it a lot

But the one thing the Thing didnít like was being hot

Now donít ask why, no one quite knows the reason

Maybe he grew up in a hot climate season

But whatever the reason, the climate or not

The Thing, oh The Thing did not like to be hot

But I think that the reason may be this

The Thing would die if it were burnt to a crisp

Anyway, he slept, underneath all the ice

Sleeping down there, for he thought it was nice

But then, the Norwegians came and woke him up quick

And with a temper he came and felt the ice was slick

The killed most of the Norwegians and imitated a dog

And then it ran off through the cold weather's fog

But then, the two men left, went after it in a chase

And the dog ran to an outpost, he really did race

He acted all kindly, to the unsuspecting men

And the Norwegians came and opened fire on them

One grabbed a grenade, but dropped it in the snow

And when it went off, the helicopter did blow

The other accidentally shot a man, while the chopper burned

And got a bullet in his head, in return

The men took the bodies inside to see

The conditions of the two men, not three

Then one man named Copper suggested that they fly

To find out the who's, the what's and the why

So Mac and Copper, off they flew

To the base, that they just now knew

And while they were there they found something and didnít know what it could be

And they brought it back to the base for all the men to see

When the biologist Blair, took a look at it to see

What this odd-shaped hunk of mass is to be

He found out something that filled him with fear

This thing wasnít human, and long ago it came here

Childs said this was stupid, that it couldnít be true

But Palmer contradicted and said it was nothing new

Then later that night, Clark put the dog with the others

But for some strange reason, all the other dogs were bothered

Then, if I were there, I would have let out a shout

Because just then the dogs skull fell out

It grew tentacles, legs, and other stuff too

And out of its mouth, juices it did spew

When Mac saw this though, he hit the alarm

And all the men wondered what could be the harm

But they soon saw this odd shaped beast

They tried a shotgun on it, but it didnít help in the least

So they burned it, oh they burned it, until it was fried

And when the flames were out, they hoped it had died

Then Blair did another test on this thing

And figured out that some of the cells were still living

Then later that night, in the storage room

They put the weird thing in there, and up was the moon

And when Windows left Bennings alone in there

Something happened that would've stood up my hair

A tendril popped out and grabbed Bennings by the neck

Then Windows came back, then ran like heck

He warned Mac, he warned Fuchs' but when they got there

They found that the room was nothing but bare

But Mac saw Bennings outside of the base

And when everyone saw him, they had a stunned look on their face

Bennings hands were huge, they were anything but thin

So Mac, unceremoniously torched him

Then later, Blair ran a test

And saw that the Thing was best

It would destroy the world if it ever got out

So he grabbed an axe, a gun, and he let out a shout

He started destroying the radio room

Sealing the alien's inhuman tomb

But he was stopped for no one understood

The reason for the man's destruction of all that was good

They locked him up in the tool shed

And left him out there, they thought he wasnít right in the head 

Then when they had figured out how to tell if they were humans or a dud

They found that someone had got to the blood

Windows tried to run, but he was caught by the pack

Here is where leadership was given to Mac

So they gave Fuchs Blair's journals and all of the rest

And told him to come up with another test

Mac made a recording, documenting what was going on

"No one trusts anybody" he said, "The storm would be long"

Then the lights all went out, and Fuchs couldnít be found

They were going to figure out what happened to him now

They found his remains outside by the back

And then, Mac and Nauls went up to Mac's Shack

Nauls returned without Mac, he let him go

He had cut the toe-line, leaving Mac in the snow

He said he found torn up clothes in the shack

And that the name on them had read "Mac"

But Mac got in anyway, through a small window

When the men heard this, they knew they had to go

Childs busted open the door but they all backed away

Mac was holding a bundle of dynamite, they say

But Nauls and Norris tried to rush the tempted man

But sadly to them, it failed did there plan

But then Norris had a problem, and he pretty much died

None of the men knew it was just one big lie

They got him to the med bay, to try to save the lummox

But the man bit off the doc's arms with nothing but his stomach

They tried to torch him, but then off rolled his head

For you see, this thing was really not dead

It grew spider legs, and to eyes for the seeing

Palmer turned and saw it and said, "You got to be fucking kidding!"

Mac torched the small head, he burned all the rest

Then, he got the idea for a test

He tried to calm everyone, for his little test

But Childs, the mechanic, did protest

Mac held the gun to Childs head

But then Clark rushed him, so Mac shot him instead

Everyone was tied down, their blood was now taken

Windows, the radio man, was the most shaken

He tested negative, and so did some others

Childs accused Mac of killing a human brother

Then it was time for Palmer, and down went the wire

Then, heard by all was a "SCREEEEECH" louder than any choir

Because Palmer's blood had let out a cry

It meant it was Palmer's turn to fry

But Mac's flamer didnít work, and Windows was too surprised

And for hesitating, he paid the price

Palmer bit down on his head, and killed him nice and quick

And threw his body away, as if it were nothing but a stick

So Mac did fry Palmer, but he tried to run and hide

So Mac got some dynamite and blew him sky-high

All of the others were human indeed

So all the other men were untied and freed

So Mac, Nauls and Gary headed outside

To test out Blair, who might've even died

But when they arrived to Blair's small shack

They found it was empty, but Nauls stepped on a crack

They saw where it lead, and Gary thought "Holy shit!"

Because they had found out Blair had built a space ship

So they looked at each other, and thought up a plan well

They all got out, then blew the spaceship to hell

They planned to blow up the base and ignite

So they went to the lower levels to set the dynamite

But Gary was taken, and Nauls was gone too

Leaving MacReady alone with the job to do

The explosives where set, but Mac knew something was afoot

Then, all these base boards were torn from their roots

Mac dove, and the igniter was crushed into bits

For what Mac saw next, was as scary as shit

From out of no where, stood right there

The monster, the Thing, who was formally Blair

It chased Mac around until he was almost through

But then Mac grabbed some dynamite, lit it and yelled, "Yeah? Fuck you too!"

The explosion was large, destroyed all that was there

But Mac knew that he had killed Blair

He sat down with his J&B

But then heard someone walking, who could it be?

Mac now thought all the things were dead

But he was wrong instead

One had gotten away, it had stayed still

And when no one was looking it crawled up a hill

And just when the Thing had killed most the men
He put up his ear to hear the crying of them

But what he heard was different, he thought "NO! It couldn't be!"

"One man is laughing! And the other drinking J&B!"

And though he had it planned out, and executed his evil ploy
He still couldn't take the men's pride and their joy

"It came without Bennings! It came without Copper!"

"It came without Fuchs! Windows! And the chopper!"

And then, all the men at OP31 say

The Thing's mind grew 10 times that day

The men thought he had beat him, they thought he was beat

But the only thing on Mr. Thing's mind was...




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