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John Carpenter's


E.T. Vs. The Thing                                                                                            

By Tim Metz

     As their ship slowly lifted off of the ground, E.T. felt a mixture of joy and sadness run through his mind. He was finally going home, but he would never see Elliot again, and he would never have another friend like him. A tear slowly rolled down E.T.'s cheek as the ship kicked into hyperspeed and catapulted into the stratosphere. He looked over at his smiling family, who each held up their glowing fingers to welcome him back, and he held his own up in response. Just as E.T. was about to walk over and embrace his family, the ship suddenly rocked violently and E.T. and his family abruptly fell to the floor. Quickly getting back up, the group ran to the bridge of the ship to see what was going on, only to see the ship's captain screeching at the nearby pilot, and ordering the other crew to do various tasks at a frenzied pace. The captain explained to them that the ship hit some mysterious object that was apparently circling the Earth (for they were unfamiliar with the concepts of TV satellites), and that the ship was badly damaged as a result. The pilot struggled to gain control of the ship, but was finding it difficult to steer the ship straight. Suddenly the hydraulics of the ship gave out, and the ship began to drift back down toward Earth, being sucked in by its gravitational pull. The captain screeched again at the crew to hurry and fix the hydraulics, while E.T. and his family screamed as their ship hurled flaming down toward the planet's surface. E.T. heard a crewmember in the engine room below him blurt out an obscenity and slam something, and suddenly the hydraulics kicked back into gear. The pilot quickly began trying to pull the ship up, but they were coming down too fast, and all he could succeed in doing was slowing their descent. Everyone quickly hopped in a safety pod (their equivalent of seats with safety belts), and braced themselves as the pilot attempted a crash landing....


     MacReady and Childs sat drunk and glumly looked at the empty bottle of J&B Scotch at their feet, and watched as the last of the flames of the burning outpost began to die down. They were both about to fall into a deep sleep that they didn't expect to wake up from, when they suddenly saw a large flaming object hurl across the sky, and crash to the ground several miles out in the distance. Both men quickly snapped up to attention.

"Oh Jesus Christ, don't tell me that's another one of those things coming down here to make our lives just peachy again," Childs said.

"Well whoever, or whatever the fuck that just was, it ain't from Cleveland!" Mac said. Both men sprang up to their feet (or what was left of them after frostbite claimed most of their toes), and began to run off toward the direction they saw the ship go down. After running for quite some time, Childs grabbed Mac by the shoulder to stop him.

"Mac....man, what the hell are we doing?" Childs said, panting. "I mean, for all we know that was a meteor, or a satellite, or something."

"Yeah, but for all we know it's not, and I didn't watch ten of my buddies die and our whole fucking camp go up in smoke just so I could sit down and watch another one of those fuckers fly in and take over the world after kicking our butts."

"But c'mon Mac, we're in no shape to run out there and take care of this shit."

"Well, we're dead anyway, so we don't have anything to lose by checking this out. Look at it this way, maybe they brought some space moonshine along with em or something."

"Aw, what the hell bwana, I never was one for sitting around much anyway." With that, Childs and MacReady continued to trek on toward the crash site, which emitted a faint glow on the horizon.


    E.T. awoke to find all the safety pods dislodged from their positions on the ship's wall, and everyone lying sprawled out on the floor. He crawled over to his family only to find them all unconscious, so using his magical healing finger, he woke them up. Shakily, his father told him to go check the outside of the ship and see where they were, while they made sure the rest of the crew was alright. E.T. nodded and waddled his way over to the rear of the ship. He quickly lowered the exit ramp, and was immediately hit in the face by the pounding wind and snow from the storm outside. Temporarily blinded, E.T. stumbled, and losing his footing, rolled down the ramp on to the snowy ground below. He screeched in frustration, and after gaining his footing on the snowy ground, turned to look back up at his ship. It was in pretty bad shape: it appeared that the ship slammed down upon this icy tundra a good five hundred feet back, and left a trail in the ice where it had skidded all the way up to the base of a large ice cliff, where it now rested. E.T. wasn't quite sure where on Earth they were, but there was nothing but snow and ice as far as he could see in every direction, and most disappointing of all, there were no plants to be found. The cold wind blowing against himself made E.T. shiver, and as he looked back over at the ship, he noticed the wind was dislodging a large chunk of ice from high up on the cliff wall. He yelled for everyone inside to quickly get out as he ran back toward the exit ramp, but before he could get back in the ship, the chunk of ice came loose and slammed down on the top of the ship, causing it to explode in a shower of shrapnel and flame.

     "Hooooome," E.T. sadly mumbled to himself, as he looked over at the burning remains that contained his deceased family and friends. Once again, E.T. found himself all alone in a strange place, except now he had nowhere (and more importantly "no one") to turn to. He stood silently in the blinding snow, not sure where to go, but knew that he had to find somewhere to hide from the relentless storm that continued to pound on him. Using his magical powers, he hovered up off the ground and up over the edge of the tall cliff, where he could see what appeared to be a building of some sort off in the distance.


"Jesus, Mac, would ya look at that," Childs said as he stared over at the smoldering remains of E.T.'s ship.

"Looks like another ship, but not the kind our old friend was flying in," MacReady said.

"What, so now we've got different aliens dropping in on this party?"

"I dunno Childs, but looking at that ship, it doesn't look like we'll be having anyone joining us at all. That thing is completely fried."

"Great, so we were just walking out this way for a whole day only to find a bunch of aliens that are as dead as we're about to be?"

"Maybe not, this area here looks kinda familiar....in fact, yeah, this cliff, this is the cliff right below the Swedes' Camp!"

"You mean the Norwegians?"

"Whatever. The point is, we could hold up in their place until Spring maybe, fix of some of their portable heating units, seal ourselves in a room, and yeah, we could make it!"

"Wait, but what if one of those things is still crawling around in their camp?"

"Well, you've still got the torch, me and Doc checked out the place a few days ago and no one was alive, so if we get there and anything is moving around we'll know it's not human, and we torch the fucker."

"Hmm, well alright bwana, let's get moving then." Both men then began the perilious process of scaling the ice cliff with their pick axes, as they found a resurgence of hope in their hearts.


     E.T. stumbled through the door of the Norwegian camp, looking around sadly at the bad shape it was in. Waddling deeper into the compound, E.T. noticed a dead man with his wrists and throat cut open sitting over in a front of a desk, frozen solid.

"Ouuuuuuch!" E.T. said out loud. He walked over to the dead man and extended his glowing finger. Suddenly the ice around the man began to thaw, and the blood from his wounds ran back up into his wrists. The man's wrists and throat sealed back up, and the man snapped back into consciousness.

"What the...who the hell," the man said (in Norwegian), surprised at the fact that he was suddenly and miraculously alive again. Feeling his wrists and throat, the man stood in disbelief, and then he looked over at E.T. in horror.

"Oh my God, what are you? Are you... are you one of those things?" the man asked.

"E.T.," the little alien said pointing to himself. He then pointed to the man's wrists and throat. "Ouuuuch."

     "Apparently you're not...somehow you healed me, but you shouldn't have! I killed myself for a reason! I'm not safe little one, you'd better run....acckkk, I can feel it finishing its work within me! Ruuuun!!!" E.T. stood looking at the screaming man, rather puzzled. The man gave out one final shreik of pain, and then suddenly calmed down. He looked over at E.T. and grinned, but E.T. could sense someone else now living behind the man's eyes. E.T. reached out his glowing finger to the man again, which seemed to make him cower back in fear. The man suddenly split in half down the middle and erupted in a mess of slimy tentacles claws, and teeth. E.T. touched part of the slimy mass with his finger, which made it burn under his healing touch. Suddenly a large bone-like scythe shot out from the tangled mess of flesh and lopped E.T.'s arm right off. E.T. screamed, and fell over on the ground backward. He quickly got up, despite the pain, and used his powers to try and fly away out of the building. However, before he got more a few feet, the Thing shot out several tentacles that wrapped around E.T. like living whips, and E.T. looked in horror as the Thing took off into the air with him. E.T. smashed out through the roof off the complex and flew high into the air, but he couldn't get the Thing to let go of him.

     "Elllliiioooot," E.T. said with a weak and trembling voice. E.T. realized he would never see his young friend again as he watch the tentacles pull the bulky mass of the Thing against him, and a gigantic mouth filled with razor sharp teeth opened up and consumed him.


     MacReady and Childs climbed to the top of the cliff just in time to see an something hovering high above the Norwegian camp. They couldn't make out what it was from where they were, but they could see that there was some movement upon it. They watched as the object suddenly stopped hovering and began plummeting back down to the Earth, crashing through the roof of the compound.

     "Oh shit," Mac said under his breath. "Childs, turn on the torch and lets hurry up and get over there." The duo quickly ran over to the Norwegian camp and cautiously moved inside. When they reached the main lab of the compound, they saw something that puzzled and horried them at the same time. Sprawled out on the floor of the lab was once again a slimy mess of tentacles and flesh that they had become all too familar with, and in the center of it was a big bulky block of flesh with a gigantic mouth. Childs immediately began blasting at the Thing with his flamethrower, causing it to spasm and shreik violently. The gigantic mouth suddenly opened wide, and within it they saw something being assimilated that they couldn't identify, something not human. Though they could swear for a brief second that the creature within the Thing said something that sounded an awful lot like, "I'll beee riiiiight heeere." The mouth then snapped shut again, and the Thing gradually shriveled up into nothing but ash as Childs relentlessly tore into it with the torch.

"Damn Mac, what the hell was that the Thing had a hold of?" Childs asked.

"I dunno, looked like some kind of enormous hairless cat or something. Probably was the pilot of that ship back there. Whatever it was, it's as dead as that Thing is now though."

"Poor bastard." Childs slumped to the floor, clutching his shivering hands in pain. "Damn, I think two of my fingers are gone."

     "Hell, I wouldn't worry about that man, we're lucky we even made it here alive," Mac said, rumaging through the Norwegians' old stuff. "Well hello there, beautiful!" Childs looked over to see Mac produce a full bottle of Smirnoff Vodka from a desk drawer. "Catch!" Mac said, hurling the bottle over to Childs. Childs caught it, and tried to take a swig, only to find it was frozen solid. "Yeah, you'll have to thaw it out with the torch first, pal." Childs built a nice little fire on the ground using the torch and some broken wood, and got to work on thawing out the vodka. MacReady came back over to him with several portable heaters and a box of various things. "Well, these appear to still be working, so we'll just stay hunched up in this room, and if we seal it up good enough, these heaters should hold us out until spring."

"Great bwana, but what're we going to do 'til then?" Childs asked. MacReady then pulled out a pack of playing cards from the box he had, and set them out before Childs.

"Not exactly chess, but what the hell are you gonna do?" Childs laughed at Mac's comment, and took a swig off of the thawed bottle of Smirnoff.....



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